A Mary Sue ChallengeFiasco!
by JoPo08
Summary: A challenge from theretard5892, this author attempts to write her first crack. Rated T for Mary Sue shenanigans and evil Shirley. Don't forget sexual references.


**A/N: It's official. I SUCK at crack. This was a challenge from theretard5892, AKA, Mird. I hate crack, but I had to try it. Never again. Please give a review. This is based off of the story "State Alchemists for rent" by Mird. I used all twenty, and... well, this is the result of going with what first pops up in your head. Enjoy. (Reviews please?)**

**Another note! Shirley Shmidt (the name) belongs to Boston Legal. She isn't actually in it though. Shirley-Shmidt-Hoe is another joke from Boston Legal. But I give credit, and this is NOT a crossover!**

Edward was very very angry as he walked toward Roy's office. He was sooooo angry that when he opened the door, it flew off of the hinges, out the window, rolled down the hill, (even though Mustang's (Whoops, it's Roy huh?) (Oh, a parenthesis within a parenthesis?) ) and made it's way to Winry in Risembool and killed her.

Why did it seek out Winry?

Because now standing in front of Edward was the most beautifulester (the most absolute beautiful) woman that he had ever seen. He walked up to her.

"I love you, woman-I-have-never-met-before!"

There was no response.

"You don't love me!? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!"

"EDWARD!? What are you doing with my girlfriend!?" (Totally awesome !? Abuse ) Roy skipped into the office.

"YOUR girlfriend!? It's obvious she loves me, right, person-I-don't-even-know?"

There was still no response.

"HAHAHA! She loves me Edward. So, stay away from my Shirley-Shmidt-Hoe State alchemist!"

Edward and Roy started fighting, and another woman walked into the room. "I am the Bloody Cramp Alchemist!" This alchemist wasn't as pretty as the cardboard alchemist who was still in the room. (I forgot to mention that too, riiigggght?) The bloody cramp alchemist had very huge pimples because of the oil her body was making. Edward and Roy ignored her though, and she was very upset. She walked over to Shirley-Shmidt-Hoe State Alchemist, and turned her into a man because it was her time of the month.

Poor Havoc walked into the room, and because he's unimportant and can be used, the Bloody Cramp Alchemist showed her skillz (Yeah, with a "z") by turning him into a woman.

He poofed away, because he's unimportant. Roy poofed away along with him.

Now Edward saw this Mary Su-- wait, no, those words are not allowed on fanfiction…

Edward saw no flaw in her because of her pimples, and started to kiss her passionately. She started to cry, and told her unimportant life story.

Edward patted her shoulder. "It's okay, Shirley." (He named her Shirley in memoriam) "You won't die of blood loss on my watch!"

At that moment, another girl walked into the room. "Um, hello? I'm supposed to see Colonel Roy Mustang? It for a super-secret mission. And, why is that girl sitting on you like that?"

Edward was distracted by the new girl. She was much more beautiful than Shirley, sweet even though he doesn't know her, mysterious because she has a secret mission and Edward didn't know her name, and clueless to see that he was currently … with Shirley. (Must I point out the obvious fact that Edward is a man-slut. It's a secret not even ALPHONSE knew!)

Edward looked down to see that Shirley had died of blood loss because he didn't pay attention to her. Oh well, this girl in front of him, Shirley Shmidt was now her name, was much more beautiful. He stood up, and made passionate love to this girl.

"I couldn't Edward! I'm too innocent! But not anymore, NOOOOO!" She died because innocence was her main quality.

"Colonel Roy Mustang? You have someone waiting on line three." The woman was dressed in the blue boring military uniform. Yet somehow she looked hot in it. This is because her breasts were too big for the outfit. "Aren't you Edward Elric?"

Edward threw Shirley Shmidt's body aside. "Hello, Shirley the Second!"

It didn't matter to her that she was being named after someone. "Come to me Edward!"

Edward used her super sized breasts as pillows.

Until…

Some birds flew in from the broken window that was broken by the door 568 words ago. (598 is the beginning!) The birds, defying logic and nature, were carrying a girl. She was wearing a tye-dye T-shirt, ripped jeans, and SANDALS, even though they possibly weren't even invented during that time. She dressed like a hippie, even though it was out of the time area.

That means she travels through the Twilight Zone, my friends.

Edward, amazed by this Twilight Zone, killed Shirley the Second, and now had this hippie, Shirley Shmidt the Second, be his girlfriend.

But before Edward could get his hands on her, and learn that her alchemic power is to talk to animals and change anything to anything (cause that soooo totally works too!) Roy burned her.

Why is Shirley Shmidt the Second flammable?

Because she is made of recycled materials! That means newspapers kids, even though the thought of recycling wasn't really popular back then.

Why is Roy back?

Because the newest Mary--

I mean, Shirley, (Now Shirley the Third) came in.

She wears stiletto heals, extra sharp, and has a wicked grin that doesn't detract at all from her beauty.

Roy skipped up to her, because Roy LOVES to skip. "Oh Shirley the Third, I love thee so!" (Roy loved her so much that he was now using an ancient language.

"STAY AWAY FROM MY EDWARD!" Shirley the Third killed Roy with her stilleto heels. She stabbed him---

"AND THAT IS WHY I AM CALLED THE CLEAVING GROIN ALCHEMIST!" She yelled like a man.

Edward, afraid of what Shirley the Third might do to him, killed her.

(We are now on Mary Sue number 7. This is the one based off of an actual fic here on FF, but that has no relevance to our story!)

Edward kicked Shirley the Third's dead body aside. In the doorway was a cute innocent looking 15 year old.

"Here, since I am the Healing Light Alchemist, I can heal your emotional wounds caused by Shirley the Third!"

And with a flash of light, not a transmutation, he was cured.

But… Edward liked alchemy, but Shirley Shmidt the Third was too cute to give up. She was innocent though, so he would have to wait to de-innocenttize her.

A rope came around Shirley Shmidt the Third's neck though, and she suffocated.

Ed's rescuer was Shirley the Fourth! (If you haven't noticed, the name alternates, cause Ed wants to be unique!) She was the Sexy Shampoo alchemist! She transmuted her hair into a rope so that she could kill Shirley the Third!

But when they tried to make passionate love (Ed and Shirley the Fourth) her hair got in the way, and she choked herself with her own hair.

She was too stupid to transmute it to NOT kill her.

Alphonse appeared randomly, no, he POOFED randomly! Into the room. He gasped when he saw his brother making passionate love to Shirley the Fourth. Before he could object and ask if HE could make passionate love to his brother, two girls POOFED!into the room.

These two were twins. Shirley Shmidt the Fouth, and Shirley Shmidt 4.5

Both brothers forgot their love for each other and started to hit on these Shirley Shmidt twins. They were the Vinegar Alchemist and the Baking Soda Alchemist. They were snazzy, and made a volcano of vinegar and baking soda appear by high fiving each other. 4.5 (Baking Soda, and Ed's girlfriend) was killed because she used up all of her power. Vinegar cried on Alphonse's shoulder until she died.

Now the room was getting crowded with the dead bodies of Shirleys, and Shirley Shmidts, and the one male Shirley-Smidt-Hoe. A maid came in to spray Lysol and make it smell good.

Edward went up and kissed her passionately. Alphonse just sat at the desk, hoping to learn something from his brother about women… and stuff…

Well, this maid was Shirley the Fifth. And when she and Ed started to make passionate love to each other, she started to explain why she had bruises on her body. Edward didn't really care, but pretended to.

Shirley the Fifth was a maid/slave for a terrible man. She would pretend she was ignorant, and get beaten! (Cause we all have to feel bad) And, she was sexually abused by him. (ANGST! YAY!)

Roy walked into the room, and Shirley the Fifth claimed that she didn't love him, yet in two seconds a couple of months passed by to only Roy and her, and she slowly grew to love him.

Edward killed her for ruining the passion they were in the middle of.

Shirley Shmidt the Fifth and Shirley the Sixth came in. they were the Pornographer Alchemist and the Snail Prostitute Alchemist. Roy burned him because he was still upset about Shirley the Fifth.

Roy POOFED!away.

An army of girls came in. They were lead by one girl, who was the Spiral Matchmaker Alchemist. She was beautiful, so she was named Shirley Shmidt the Sixth. She and her fan girls on Fanfiction made sure that weird and very unlikely pairings occurred.

Ed and Al finally got to make the passionate love they were waiting for.

Suddenly, Ed and Al saw that all of the fan girls were eating ice cream. They killed Shirley Shmidt the Sixth and all of her fan girls.

Alphonse POOFED!away, btw, because he isn't important anymore.

Roy tied Edward to a chair so that he could get the maker of the ice-cream, Shirley the Seventh! She was the Potato Blizzard Alchemist. Shirley the Seventh had saved Roy once from a fan girl when he ordered a potato blizzard from Dairy Queen.

Well, they made passionate love, and Edward had to watch, so his eyeballs melted.

To save him, a dark figure floated (because dark figures do that) floated into the room. Edward heard the two lovers scream, and die. (He can hear it when people die!)

This girl/woman/unknown age was mysterious, and so he named her Shirley Shmidt the Seventh. Once this perfection of a woman somehow gave him his eyeballs again, she told him that she was the Shadowy Finger Alchemist.

Because his eyeballs had melted, he hadn't seen her finger when she flicked Roy and Shirley the Seventh off.

A moment of suspense happened for no reason, she's just that mysterious. Edward decided that he could fall in love with Shirley Shmidt the Seventh if he cut off her finger.

She died once he did so, because all of her life energy was in that finger!

Edward cried and cried, and cried some more. Another girl walked in. "I love you Edward, but I will bring back your love! Because, I am the Golden Reincarnation Alchemist, Shirley the Eighth!"

Before Edward could say that he now fell in love with Shirley the Eighth, she preformed the transmutation. A golden flash of light occurred.

Why can she do the transmutation? And why is it gold?

Because her blood is made of gold! Some of her golden blood ability is taken away as a sacrifice when she brings people back!

Sadly, it failed, because there wasn't enough gold left in Shirley the Eighth's body to give away. Not only did it fail, but she died, cause the Truth was done getting ripped off.

Suddenly, her brother, who she brought back to life, came in crying because his sister was now dead. Edward was tempted to name him a Shirley, but since he was a boy Ed decided not to. The boy tried bringing Shirley the Eighth back, and died.

(Oh, by the way, we're on seventeen! So close!)

Another woman walked through the magical doorway (I forgot to mention it was magical!) and Edward immediately named her Shirley Shmidt the Eighth. Edward walked up to her, and they started to make out… passionately. But, her tongue was metal. This is because she was the Freezing Metal Licker Alchemist.

After a tragic accident in Briggs during her training--

Edward killed her before I could continue. I don't really want to continue on her pathetic life.

But now Edward's tongue hurt. So, another Shirley/Mary, Shirley the Ninth, came in. She was the Aura Alchemist.

She was more beautiful than all of the other Shirleys. So, Edward made passionate love to her, and proposed to her right in the office.

Sadly, she couldn't take it any longer. She first used her aura ability to make Edward's tongue feel better. (Cause Aura vision ability can SO do that) Then she started ripping off her skin like a costume…

HUH!?!?!

It turns out that Lucario was Shirley the Ninth. Lucario/Shirley the Ninth/Aura Alchemist a pokemon, so Mird must h8 (Yeah, I did that) him.

Lucario/Shirley the Ninth/Aura Alchemist was bored because he died in the movie about him. So, he--

Edward shot Lucario/Shirley the Ninth/Aura Alchemist because he didn't want to hear the story and was depressed.

I didn't want to hear it either.

All of the sudden, Edward looked into a corner he had never looked at before, and there was a girl who was slitting her wrists.

She called a bunch of ravens to pick up the dead bodies, because she's the Raven Alchemist.

I forgot to mention Edward named her Shirley Shmidt the Ninth.

Shirley Shmidt the Ninth had a cruel and cunning smile. Edward totally digs that. So, he made passionate love to her.

The crows, I mean, ravens, annoyed at not getting enough attention from Shirley Shmidt the Ninth (Birds need a TON of attention) carried Shirley Shmidt the Ninth off. Now Ed had no one.

Now climbing, no, FLYING in through the window was another girl. She was so uuberly beautiful, so gorgeous, so stunning, that she was specially named

"The Ultimate Shirley-Shmidt-Hoe"

" The Ultimate Shirley-Shmidt-Hoe! I love you so much! Please marry me and bear my children!" (Edward skips RIGHT to that part.)

"I will Edward, I will."

Edward, for once be at least a bit gentleman-ish gazed into her eyes, no, orbs, and said, "I love y--"

The thing is, Edward got a seizure before he could finish! The Ultimate Shirley-Shmidt-Hoe's eyes, sorry, ORBS, were constantly changing colors. The Ultimate Shirley-Shmidt-Hoe's orbs were violet/azure/onyx/amber/scarlet/crimson. Therefore, Ed got a seizure by staring at them while they were changing.

Edward sadly died.

Al POOFED!into the room again, and killed The Ultimate Shirley-Shmidt-Hoe.

The End

**If you made it to this point, I applaud you. You're probably confused, so have some Co-Co *gives you hot chocloate*. Please give a review! **


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